Things I have learned about maternity clothes

Forget comfort.  There is no comfort.  You will be uncomfortable from the first bloat on.  Your pants will either fall down all the time or threaten to crawl their way up to your armpits.  Your shirts will encase you like sausage or threaten to throttle you with their excessive, tent-like fabric.  Your underwear will bunch in back, fold over in front, or just leave big welts in your legs all over.  If something feels comfortable, don’t celebrate, just wait two days and you will outgrow it.

Prints seem like a good idea, but they are a mistake.  Do not be fooled by the prints.  They will make you look like an oncoming floral bus.  Solids are your friend.

If you didn’t look good in that style before you were pregnant, you will not look good in it now.  It’s still your body, it’s just your body maximized.

Beware the sneaky take-over attempts of pregnancy cleavage.  You must remain alert at all times for sudden boob changes or that work-appropriate shirt you put on at 7 AM may be pornographic by 3 PM.

Don’t become too attached to any piece of clothing.  You may love it now, but soon it won’t fit, or it will get a stain, or you will just be so damn sick of wearing it three times a week that you burn it in a fury one day.  Then you will weep because it was the only piece you had that went with those blue pants/that green shirt.

There are really nice maternity clothes out there.  They cost $180 a piece.  They will still only fit for a month.  Do the math.

The answer to the question “Does this make me look fat?” is “Yes.”  There is no escaping this truth.  You are fat.  Embrace it.

Two words: necklaces and shoes.  Big, bold necklaces and bright, eyecatching shoes.  Neutral everywhere else.  People are like magpies and will gravitate to the colorful and shiny.  Use this to your advantage.

Never, ever, ever compare your wardrobe now with your pre-pregnancy wardrobe.  It will just make you flail around despairing that you have lost your sense of self.  In the future, you can deny that this phase of your fashion life ever existed.