Apple, tree
May 15, 2008Are you ready for this? I am about to take my bad mothering to a whole new level. A possibly negligent level. A level that could get some people’s panties in a giant wad and get me reported to child protective services.
But…
but…
but…
…it’s funny.
You see…
Well, lately…
The Buddha has a new habit…
Oh, never mind. This is one of those occasions where a picture truly is better than words.
That’s my daughter (can’t you tell by the cheeks?). That’s me she’s strapped onto (can’t you tell by the fact that you can only see about two inches of my hair and yet you already know it looks like hell?). That’s us at the bowling alley about a month ago.
And that’s my beer bottle she’s sucking on.
(As an aside: yes, it is totally possible to bowl with a baby in a Moby. In fact, it improved my score.)
(Another aside: nobody I was with saw fit to tell me that the Moby had gotten hitched up and my baby was riding around in a Moby thong. I noticed shortly after this point and fixed it.)
(Yet another aside: I don’t usually drink Budweiser but people, I was bowling. When in Rome and all.)
(Have all these asides sufficiently distracted you from the fact that my baby is drinking a beer?*)
I don’t know what to tell you. The girl has a thing for beer. She repeated this grab-and-suck maneuver at home a few days later with a Guinness.
And then there was the Cinco de Mayo party:
Look at the face. She isn’t even remorseful! She’s all, “Whatcha gonna do about it, huh? HUH?” Such a bad attitude so early. Where could she have gotten it from?
(And yet one more aside: do you think I should branch out from the black shirt + cardigan fashion statement, just maybe?)
I think we may have a problem developing. Or should I say brewing? Ahahaha.
Ahem.
Now, I know that some of you are all, “Well, the easiest solution would be to stop drinking beer around the baby, you dumbass.”
And to them I say:
You really don’t know me at all, do you?
*Okay, really, don’t get upset. I wiped off the bottle each time. She wasn’t getting any alcohol. Really.
May 15, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I like that you are economizing, you know? Skipping that whole step of ‘drinking the beer yourself and then breast feeding.’ I find it’s so much easier to just put a nipple on the Bud.
The best baby picture I have of my oldest is her lying passed out on the couch with a copy of “Happiest Baby on the Block” on her like a blanket and a Molsen can by her head. Yep. That one went out the the Christmas cards.
You know me. Always trying to simplify.
I hope you aren’t kidding about sending that picture out with the Christmas cards. I would have MADE that picture the Christmas card.
May 16, 2008 at 6:40 am
Not a shred of remorse in her eyes. In fact, she looks a bit pleased with herself and possibly even a little defiant. Watch out for that one in a few years :-)
I know, right? Total troublemaker material there.
May 17, 2008 at 3:07 am
At least she isn’t…
A) A beer snob, always insisting on imports or microbrews
B) A wine snob, insisting that beer just isn’t refined enough
C) A hard liquor snob, saying that beer just won’t do the job
D) A soft liquor snob, complaining that fruity wine coolers are all she’ll drink.
Look at this way - if she and her playdates will just be stealing the Pabst or Beast out of the back of the fridge, your beer budget won’t get slammed.
Excellent points, all. I think you’re right: I just need to readjust my thinking.
June 13, 2008 at 3:41 pm
Oh my goodness, that baby is fantastic looking! I want one! Mine is ten now (sob). Aren’t those bags just the greatest creation? Except my #2 would never go in one, absolutely refused.
Thanks! And don’t fret. I’m sure you wipe up a lot less poop than I do.