Another Monday. Another git yer butt up, feed the kid, feed myself, feed the cat, dress the kid, dress myself, make the bed, pay some bills, go over the week’s schedule, write a menu, write a grocery list, pack a lunch, pack the pump bag, get in the car, buy some gas, drive to work, drink some coffee, check the e-mail, call some people, write some reports, settle a dispute, schedule appointments, eat some lunch, run to the bank, run to a meeting, pump in the bathroom, call to check in, fix a spreadsheet, arrange an event, write a new to-do list, clean off the desk, call to check-in, stop at the grocery store, stop at the oil change place, drive home, unpack the pump bag, feed the baby, feed the dogs, feed the self, play with the baby, give a bath, read a book, rock to sleep, clean the kitchen, prep the bottles, sterilize the pump parts, sweep the floor, fold the laundry, iron the clothes, talk to the husband, write two words, take the shower, read the book, go to bed, panic about what didn’t get done Monday.
And just for the record, Mondays are the day that the Alias Father stays home, thus reducing the work involved for all (note the lack of “pack day care bag,” “fend off overly chatty day care worker,” “cook dinner” etc). In other words: this is one of the easiest days of the week.
Now. Let me be clear: I do not think it is EASIER to stay home with children all day. Can I say that one more time? It is NOT EASIER to stay home. But it seems to me that it might be less…hectic? Just a smidge?
Sometimes it feels like the workweek is an exercise in survival. Like my little family is hanging on by our fingernails, fighting to keep ourselves in the middle of the centrifuge instead of getting flung off the edge. Every weekday is choreographed to the point of pain, every minute has a purpose and should that purpose be ignored the wrath of hell and all its demons shall descend. Or at least the pump parts won’t get sterilized and then I won’t be able to pump the next day and then the Buddha won’t be able to eat the day after and…yeah. Wrath. Demons. Hell.
When I first started back at work, people would ask me how I was holding up. “Okay, I’m okay,” I’d say brightly, “It’s a little hectic but we’re managing.” And it was totally true. I forgot then, as I often do, that there are two kinds of tiredness in my world. There’s the one-time tiredness, which is when I have to work long hours on a project or stay up all night with a sick baby or, I dunno, give birth. That kind of tiredness hits like a big ol’ truck but I just power through and then I recover and everything is fine.
Then there’s the other kind of tiredness, which is when I get worn down just a little bit every day. The bits are so little that I don’t even notice; it’s just a gentle grinding down of my resources until suddenly I realize that I am resourced out. But it doesn’t matter, because I still need to get up and walk into the grindstone again. And again. And again. And again.
There are many, many good reasons why both of us work, including the cold, hard fact that having one of us stay home was simply not a financial option. And generally I don’t mind. But some days I see mothers or fathers running around the park with their kids, or taking them out to lunch, or just swinging them around in the front yard, and I am just overwhelmed with jealousy that they have the time to do that. And that they have the energy.
Because I am just so very, very tired down to the marrow of every bone in my body.
And so it’s not that I think it’s easier to stay home. It’s just that sometimes it seems like a better way of working.
August 25, 2008 at 11:50 am
I really can’t say what it is like for other people, but I do know that the one summer I got to play at being a SAHM (and I only say “play” because it was, for me, a once-in-a-lifetime thing. TRUST ME, I do NOT think that SAHMs are playing all day long) I was not great at it. But we were a one-car, new town, new-house-poor family and I had fair-skinned 14 month old who had to be kept out of the sun most of July, so we didn’t get to do a lot, and that probably made it harder than it had to be. However, having nowhere to go and no way to get there and no money to be there — it did make mornings a lot easier! There was no deadline on being up and dressed and packed and out the door, and THAT was amazing. For about a month, anyway :)
Maybe that’s what I need: a trial period! Hey! Who wants to take over my job for a month? Anyone? Anyone? Where are you all going? It was all the meetings, wasn’t it?
August 25, 2008 at 3:09 pm
I have utmost respect for those who not only have to work, but those that CHOOSE to work outside of the home. In a perfect world we would all have chef’s, cooks, personal trainers, landscapers, etc and all the money in the world to pay for it off of one income. That is not always the reality. I do stay home with my kids and I feel blessed and fortunate every day that I can, however it has it’s share of issues, just like working. However since I am home if I choose to deal with my day in my pajamas I can. :-)
Bug Cyber Hugs to you! It will get easier! Keep up the great work!
Thank you for bringing up the “choose to work” idea. In the interest of brevity, I focused on the financial reasons, but there certainly are lots and lots of good, valid, important reasons to have a two-working-parent household. Money is only one issue.
Do you promise that it will get easier? Pinky swear?
August 25, 2008 at 8:32 pm
Weening. Half of your stress here is the boob. Soon you will be down to a morning and evening feeding of the baby in just a month or two. My youngest is almost 10 months and is down to just 3 or 4 feedings a day. She is self feeding Chex and little cut grapes and blueberries and so many other things. I miss our 6-8 nursing sessions a day. I miss it, but know she has to start growing up sometimes.
I say this both to let you know, yes, it gets easier as they grow up and (gasp) need you a little less, but I caution you, you may just miss it when she can play in the tub by herself, and drinks from any old cup, and can go potty by herself. … OK, maybe not that last thing…
Hang tough, kiddo. Just wait till the second one comes along.
I’m kind of looking forward to 2 feedings per day just so I can drop kick the pump out the window. Man, I am so sick of that thing…
August 26, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Hmmm… I’ve been wondering about going back to working outside the home. After reading that, I’m thinking: maybe not so soon. Being a SAHM does sound a bit easier than that.
If you feel you are ready, then don’t let me discourage you! You have to remember that the Buddha is only 9 months, so she’s still very needy. I would love to work part-time. Part-time would be really perfect. But, yes, full-time is hectic.
August 27, 2008 at 8:09 am
I think you are 100% correct: staying at home IS less hectic. I mean, it has its hectic moments, like when the baby has pooped and it’s splurging out the leg holes of his diaper and he needs a change NOW, but he has to sit and cry for a minute longer while I get the toddler onto the potty and UH OH, we didn’t make it in time! etc. But those are sporadic hectic moments spread throughout the day. The rest of the day is not spent in the planned-right-down-the-minute, don’t-waste-a-moment way that you described. It’s spent playing with and enjoying my kids. (You know, when I’m not yelling at them because WE DON’T LICK THE FLOOR or we don’t PUNCH BABIES IN THE FACE or whathaveyou.) I try to remind myself often how lucky I am that I get to be home with both my boys every day. I have much, much respect for those who must (or who choose to) work outside the home, because I know if I had to do it, I’d be writing posts like this one.
Can I just tell you how often I have to remind my coworkers not to lick the floor? Honestly.
August 29, 2008 at 5:50 am
When my 2 daughters were small, I worked nights and Husabnd wk’d or went to class during the day. I was both at home and wking………….that was well over 25 yrs ago.
Looking back I sometimes wonder how I ddin’t have a total breakdown!!!
Now I wk full time for ‘extras’, like gas and food and fun stuff for the Grandkids, I long to retire and to see what it’s like to stay at home and FIND something to do during the day!
jp
Holy cow. I’m exhausted just thinking about that. It’s amazing what we can do when we have to, isn’t it?
October 21, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I am currently a SAHM. However, I’ve also been a working mom. I was lucky enough to SAHM for the most part when my kids were little. However, I also became a single mom for year. Luckily, that was after they were potty trained. I imagine that it would be hard to work during the first year!
As a single mom, I worked A LOT. Six days a week with 10-15 hours a day on average. The kids went in to the office with me on Saturdays. I did get burned out. But, I had that one day off to sleep and re-cooperate. Kitty, my eldest was old enough to be some help with Dude then and I appreciated it. I spent a lot of time with my kids, I worked a lot and I didn’t sleep much. However, I loved it. I loved working. I was successful and productive and was providing for my kids all on my own. I had enough of a social life at work that I was happy.
Now, I’m a SAHM again, but only because right now we have only one vehicle and Dude had a rough year last year. He was diagnosed with ADHD, at a school that wasn’t worth a (bleep) and on half days in first grade (because that’s how the school chose to deal with him). He wasn’t successful in school which meant I couldn’t have been successful in the work place. This year, Dude is in a different school district and is doing much, much better!
As a SAHM, my days are not structured. My only concern is getting the dogs out to pee first thing in the morning, Dude up and to the bus and on Mondays, that the yard is cleaned up for the lawn guys. That’s followed with making sure I’m aware of what time Dude should be walking in the door from school. (I don’t meet the bus, he’s pretty independent and trustworthy). I don’t find a reason to get dressed most days. My nice clothes are mouldering in the closet, hardly worn and lonely, I’m sure. My kids are in school during the day. There aren’t any socials, teas and get togethers to fill my time.
My husband, CP makes enough money that I have the choice to stay home or not. I do, and not because I want to, but again, because we have one vehicle, CP works 35 miles away and I worry about how Dude would do adding daycare on top of a full day of school. I would dearly love to go to work! I am not happy as a SAHM. I don’t feel productive or like I contribute really. Then again, I AM a workaholic I’m told. I miss having a life outside the home.
For some, being a SAHM is great. For some like me, it can feel like a prison sentence.
November 17, 2008 at 8:03 pm
I’ve done both, and there are pros and cons. I was a SAHM to twin baby girls for eight months, and have been a WOHM for about two years – and about 1.5 of those with my husband being a SAHD. So I think I really get all sides of it.
My take? In general, being a WOHM in a 2-income family sucks. I would never choose to do it. I almost quit, and would have if my DH hadn’t quit first – even though it would have meant not earning enough to cover expenses. Most of the difficulty came from the assumption / habit that the wife still does most of the housework and childcare when both parents are home.
Next most difficult? Well, it’s a tie based on temperment. I prefer being a SAHM, but with twin babies it was FAR more hectic than breadwinning. I suspect that one baby would be a “breeze”. Nonetheless, it was still easier – for my temperment – than breadwinning while my husband does all of the housework. So much flexibility and freedom, if you are creative enough! Also, as a breadwinner, I don’t get the same level of appreciation; rather than people thinking it’s great that I support my family, everyone says how great it is that DH stays home so that I get the “privelege” of a career.
However, if I got a lot of support and appreciation, being a WOHM would probably be far easier. Even now that the kids are older and so much easier to care for (my temperment was MADE to care for toddlers).